ICING DEPRESSION

There are different types of depression. Situational. Clinical.  Manic.  Mine just relates to ice and icing and is as incurable as ovarian cancer.  Knowing that Sunday I have to start the icing routine of the professional patient on doxil, two and three times a day with my hands and feet on ice packs.  It is truly a catch 22.  If doxil stops working and I get to stop icing, then it means my options to stay alive are much more limited.  But if Doxil continues to work then I have to continue the icing.  In the summer it was somewhat refreshing, but in the polar vortex aftermath I am truly dreading it, my eighth treatment with my hands and feet skin peeling, my gums aching, ready to kill for a cup of steaming hot coffee or chocolate.  Too frustrating to describe, so instead I am in icing depression.

rough few days - second line chemo

Yesterday was supposed to start new chemo avastin and doxil but no such luck. Woke up with wicked migraine and some nausea. Pills not working. food not working. sat with another cancer patient for a while before I was supposed to start my treatment but didn't make it. got clammy, more nausea, could feel change in my blood pressure. usually in those times it drops, this time it was climbing and with high blood pressure can't be on avastin as it can cause high blood pressure. Instead, I ended up lying down on bench in hospital hallway, vomiting. a total nightmare. nurses as always were great. ended up in ER, getting ct scan of my head to make sure cancer had not metastisized to my brain, getting medication for the nausea and migraine via iv, and going to sleep until 5 p.m. coming home, sleeping more. today, did finally get the therapy. ironic how in my life even on my way out I am helping others and teaching. ended up connecting the chemo nurses at the hospital with the doxil cares program, regarding advice about icing while getting treatment, pre-treating and post-treating with ice etc. they said they wished all their patients were like me, but maybe not really. maybe just well-informed and educated, but certainly not ones relapsing like me. this was definitely different treatment. only about 15 minutes of pre-treatment with steroids. no benedryl or zofran. they aren't worried about nausea with this drug and many other side effects of carbo and taxol. just other skin type issues. we will keep icing and no hot liquids and see how this goes. will miss my soups.

The Alien inside

Everyone who has seen the movie "alien" can always remember the scene where the monster baby bursts out of the man's abdomen and chest, shrieking. That is rather what cancer feels like to me. An alien inside, growing, taking over my body, and something I cannot control. Instead, cancer is trying to return, tamoxifen not working, and back on a new form of treatment next week. Avastin and Doxil here we go. Lovely.