Hoping to stay alive long enough for miss pac-man to save me?

Seeing this story on CNN a few weeks ago created a mental image for me I can't get rid of - waiting for nano-particles to be created to deliver the anti-cancer treatment directly to the bad cancer cells leaving my healthy cells healthy. Brings me to thinking about a little miss pac-man type cell eating up all the cancer cells, chomping through my body, finding all the cancer cells and leaving me healthy again. I so want to be healthy again, tired of being sick, of all the side effects of medication, limitations on my life. My desire for a steaming hot cup of starbucks de-cafe cappuccino with steamed low-fat milk is overwhelming, something I can dream about, and get jealous about when I see others drinking hot liquids, so hoping the research that is ongoing since 1974 becomes prime-time soon before my body is damaged beyond repair.

Happy depressed

My husband often asks me how I am. Can I be happy and depressed all at the same time? When I was young I definitely knew depressed, as I was depressed and angry, having grown up in a dark angry unhappy household. Took me a long time to find a smile and laughter. Lightness and air to breathe. After my father died I started to write a dark angry hostile novel about it, but found it was taking me back into that dark depressing world. So I hit the delete button and vowed to write only happy things that make people smile. So, sometimes I feel yes I can be, happy to be alive and seeing my son spread his wings and fly, to do what I raised him to do, and be the best him he can be. I am happy to wake up in the morning and be alive. I am happy that I have a wonderful loyal loving husband who is my soul mate. I am depressed that I wake up to cancer, to not working, to the daily grind of being a professional patient, and knowing that I will likely leave my son and husband behind sooner than I planned. So there it is, happy depressed.

Regrets

Regrets, I've had a few. But in the end I did it my way. Keep thinking about that song and knowing that I don't have many regrets. I have lived a good life. Been an above average parent. I am not perfect. I should have cut ties with my family years before I did, but I kept it going until my father died. I suppose I kept thinking it would all work out and if I improved as a person, I could improve the entire situation, but it was one that only spiraled downward and could not be fixed, or at least not by me. So in the end I did it my way.

Professional patienthood

Having now been through 23 chemo treatments, five of doxil/avastin, it is exhausting to manage symptoms and side effects and try not to have them. Although I thought I would done with the next treatment, I've now been informed that the treatment is working so well that we're going to continue indefinitely, until it stops working. So we will continue icing my hands and feet, feeling hostile everytime I see someone drinking hot coffee because I am not unless I want to suffer from mouth sores, and wearing clothes or shoes that I no longer wear because they are not comfortable, too tight, too irritating, and feeling constantly tired. Having a limited half-life and sometimes even less. Days trapped in the house because I don't feel well enough to go out. Finding shopping overwhelming, especially certain big-box type stores. Having to walk out of walmart one night knowing I couldn't walk through the store. Glad to be alive and still waiting for science to catch up to me.

Spread happy - Sisterhood of the traveling scarf

As I contemplate another birthday, feeling lucky to get there, but knowing the next one may not be as good, I continue to knit my way through cancer and chemo, giving ruffle scarves to friends who I ask to wear the scarves and think positive thoughts for everyone and to spread happy and do good works as they go through their day. I want no negativity in my life, only happy positive energy, only good kind people, no evil.