the heat in my bones

All through the long cold snowy winter, all I could think about was dreams of the summer, to sit outside in the heat.  Sun is not allowed due to the various chemicals in my body, and swimming is barred due to the abdominal drain, but here I am as very anemic, and always cold, something I've never experienced before, and just never able to get warm.  So I am truly enjoying the heat of the summer, trying to store the memories of warmth to get me through another winter, if possible.  As bit by bit I edge into uncharted or lightly charted territory.

Saving money with cancer?

Cancer costs, costing time, energy, loss of income, medical bills etc.  But it can also save money.  I think of all the things I've given up.  I almost never drink starbucks.  I hardly eat.  I have done my own nails and feet for more than two years, since doxil and avastin and fear of infections.  I have done my own hair color for years before cancer, now I haven't had a haircut in almost 8 months since it fell out and is growing back. Before then I was rarely cutting it since it was growing out, filling in, due to all the chemo and thinning.  I don't drive so am not spending money on gas.  I don't shop.  Buying is left to the internet.  Don't go out to dinner.  On and On, so much don't, can't, won't.  Stuck in my cancer box trying to break out but know I can't as there is no cure, just prolonging my time.

Abdominal drain - not as good as ...

As we say in our family - not as good as - when comparing food, hotels, travel experiences.  I'm enjoying this, but it's not as good as . . .

Well, that can also go for medical treatment.  Have always been happy with my port.  It has saved me so much pain and aggravation, no one hunting for veins, just a direct hit.

A few weeks ago I agreed to a new gadget, an abdominal drain so we can drain the ascites buildup I'm getting every few weeks (not a good sign).  But the gemzar seems to be working.  Have been approved for lymparza for when gemzar is finished, and avastin still helps.  But, instead of having this drained with a needle every month or two by a radiologist, now Douglas has to drain me every week which is weird but keeps me more comfortable.  We always find humor in everything, like how our relationship went to a whole other level when he had to give me an enema.  The drain has likewise taken us in a different direction and level.

The down side is that I can't swim this summer.  It makes certain clothes uncomfortable due to the dressing and pulling on my skin.

So it's not as good as the port, but not terrible.