I'm tired - so sang Madeline Kahn

I was thinking of this song yesterday, Madeline Kahn in Blazing Saddles, one of the great comedies of Mel Brooks and one which never would get made today. She was hilarious and so talented and died too young at 58, of course from Ovarian Cancer after only one year from diagnosis. I was feeling so tired and I'm sure she felt tired at the end, as do I, a week after chemo, I am just exhausted, pushing myself to eat something but having difficulty finding something worth eating. I suppose I would feel grateful to make it to age 58, but it is a long road to get there, another five years, and I just don't know if it is feasible, much less if I have the strength to get that far, one day at a time. So, I'm just tired.

Surviving more than 1 year

June 8 was my diagnosis anniversary, June 11 my surgery anniversary. Kept thinking about blogging about it, but could not settle my mind enough to do it, especially after attending my son's college orientation weekend. It was wonderful, but exhausting, and I felt lucky to be there with him and my husband. It sas taken me some time to think it through, all of the changes a year can bring, from trial lawyer to professional patient; from working mom to sick mom, from taking care of my husband to him taking care of me. To not caring about what car I drive since I rarely drive anymore. From someone cooking 4-5 nights per week or maybe 4-5 nights per month. Someone with energy to someone without energy and verve. Now, finally, learning to knit, something I have tried before but couldn't get, yet this time it seems to be clicking. How weird is that, the clicking of the needles and the clicking in my mind. This was never where I planned to end up but here I am, just trying to make it through each day and maybe get another year.

Onto the second line treatment - a professional patient.

Two down, four more to go, Avastin and Doxil. CA125 actually went down a little to 390 which we didn't expect at all. We were expecting it to go up for a few treatments before it declined. So maybe this is good. I keep thinking how much work it is to have cancer or other chronic diseases, to keep up on medications, manage symptoms and side effects, and try to stay alive and reasonably healthy in the meantime. Second line treatment - when the first line doesn't work, or doesn't work long enough, well enough. Some websites call it "salvage treatment" - does it mean we're garbage because the first line didn't work? Does it mean this is just to save us, maybe get some extra time but it really isn't going to work? That is a term that needs to be exorcized from the cancer lexicon. So, I'll keep icing my hands and feet, avoiding hot liquids and foods, and see where we end up in NOvember and December.