Grandma Lee genes and dishes

having inherited the Braca1 genetic mutation from my paternal grandmother, Lee, I also inherited a set of dishes and crystal. The dishes are incomplete as she broke a few here and there over the years. But after searching for 12 years, I have finally located a set and D. is buying them for me for my birthday - November 6, election day, just another day I will be sitting all day in the chemo chair so I can stay alive. But the numerology of the 12 years, in year 2012, and Lee's birthday is the 12th, is interesting. Who knows what it all means.

Definitely on my sixth life

If a cat can have nine, I certainly hope that is at least what I have in my future. In looking at my past, having now survived cancer, survived a significant car accident, a domestic violence incident in which I almost died, the Northridge earthquake in LA in 1994, a crowd incident at the LA Olympics in 1994, I think I can qualify for some peace and quiet for a few years.

CA 125 update

So, in my last two cycles, CA125 levels are within normal range, last time 22.8, now down to 13.4 but still not reaching plateau which doctor says is what we are waiting for. Have a fantasy that next time my CA125 will be so low - maybe 0 - and we can call the treatments quits, but know that is simply not happening. Will have to suffer to the end of it.

Reflexology

My feet are definitely feeling better since I went for reflexology about three weeks ago. Although they were tinging a big after the last carboplatinum treatment, definitely not as painful as previously. Will be going back for more, and keep taking B6. Do not want to have a lower chemo dose so I will do whatever I must to tolerate this without permanent damage.

Resources

In addition to the NOCC (national ovarian cancer coalition) american cancer society and regular stuff see everywhere, two specialized groups: Immerman's Angels - pairs cancer patients with others in similar situations. Found the person they paired me with very helpful. She helped me let go of a way in which I was blaming myself for not getting genetic testing earlier (she had it), because they would have monitored me differently (she was monitored closely) and still ended up with 3c cancer. Another important resource that I am going to get more involved in after treatment is FORCE, for women who have the genetic issues I had, and help women understand their risks, get tested, get monitored, get educated, take action, as well as (especially for me) engage in the legal issues surrounding genetic problems i.e. discrimination, patents and so on.

Fatigue is definitely cumulative - with hair

So yes, after 10 treatments I still have hair. No reason, but it's still there. Fatigue this week was horrid, truly overwhelming, struggling to get out of bed to go to the bathroom. Thank goodness for anti-nausea drugs because I definitely needed them, especially yesterday. Couldn't even eat most of what I cooked last weekend. Just half a bagel here and there, a little pasta or soup. Apples, pretzels. Major brain fog. Couldn't even do much in terms of crochet or needlepoint. Looking at various grocery delivery services as not sure I can get out much from now on. Too much effort to walk the market, drive, lift, carry. World feels like it gets smaller by the day. Keep looking around me at the infusion room and wondering how worn down I will feel and look by the end. I look forward to 65 days from now, last treatment, coming to the other side, and hopefully recovery.

Preparation for treatment 10

A flurry of energy, cleaning out, cooking, preparing for what I can anticipate will be a horrid week of fatigue and possibly nausea, definitely mind fog. So, cooking yesterday, lots of vegetables including a casserole, and brown rice. Simple, plain food I can tolerate. Definitely nothing spicy. All fall vegetables which are nice now. Still love the squash soup I made last week but finished it off. oh well. Have my grapes and pretzels ready to go. If I can't eat anything else, those are ok. Apples are ready, always refreshing this time of year. Feeling organized and ready to go.

Outsides and Insides

On days I have energy, I continue to clean out my closets and house. Its rather like my health. On the outside everyone says I look great but knowing that my insides are in disorder and disarray. Likewise, I cannot stand clutter so in coming in to my home, it is uncluttered and clean, but my closets and cabinets and dressers could be more organized. So, over the summer, the kitchen got the clean-up treatment. I cleaned out my walk-in, and am getting it a little more organized now, and as the weather turns chilly, am now getting to my sweaters, gloves and scarves and anyone who knows me knows I have lots of scarves. It always feels good to clean out, to get organized, to make room physically and spiritually for new experiences and fresh ideas. To rediscover old favorites, and realize its time to let go of unused or worn out items, to pass them along to others who can enjoy them (via ebay or gifts) or just donations. But I continue to wonder, when it is all over, kemosabe that is, what will I do with my life? Which organizations to get involved in? What way to support other people who have gone through this? Who to raise money for? D. and I discuss so often how, when someone is sick, they should not have to worry about money and how to pay medical bills. We are lucky to have medical insurance, and lucky that for years I paid for (and was able to pay for) private disability insurance which is now paying me back, and that social security is not challenging my disability. The stress on families is just overwhelming.

To be alive with good health

Going into whole foods today to get a salad, since that was what I was craving, and these days I eat what I crave within reason, the gentlemen collecting carts near the entrance asked me if I needed a cart. As it had just started to rain, I said yes, so long as it wasn't too wet. He gave me a dry one and said, it was a beautiful day since we were alive and healthy. So true. I wasn't going to tell him how sick I was, just appreciate his positive energy and go forward.

Half way through - with hair

Last week was my half-way point, treatment nine, and I made it, with hair. My hair is definitely thinner on top and feels fine and soft, as opposed to normally thick and a little corse, but it's still there so I am not complaining. My doctor seems surprised as well. I ran into him in the mall Friday evening, when I was on my way to meet D. for dinner. Dr. S. keeps commenting on how well I look. Even my dermatologist today was saying I had a "glow" and calmness about me. It is bizarre to know that I am so sick on the inside, but look so good and healthy on the outside. 77 days to go.