Cancer is definitely not sexy.

Even though I still have hair on my head, cancer and treatment for cancer is definitely not sexy. Can't feel sexy while going through this. Almost no eyebrows left. Losing eyelashes. Very little pubic hair. I'm told this is all normal, especially losing all body hair, but it is not attractive and not conducive to feeling my usual sexy dynamic self. Not a turn to myself or D. Hormones - what are those? After surgery and chemo, definitely not having hormones that are normal. Friday night going to sleep at 8:00 p.m. after five days on steroids, and 4-5 hours of sleep per night, I just crash. Exhausted, Saturday night was not much better, making it to 9:00 p.m. but at least today we were able to take a drive to do a little shopping and eat lunch out. 30 more days to finish.

wanting out of my box

Since diagnosis, I feel as though my life has been so limited, stuck in a box that, as D. described it, seems to have spikes in it at every turn and angle. Just want out, almost at the end of treatment - four left, and want to get on a plane and get out of here, go live life and move past this, knowing all the while that I can't and never will. Just, as everyone says to me, a new normal.

post-Hurricane Sandy, snow, with hair - CA 125 at 12

We have now survived Hurricane Sandy, Noreaster Athena, 10 days of no power, heating house off inverter system with truck running it for a few hours a day, throwing out food (always upsetting), no laundry, getting septic system pumped in middle of it all and so on. I know we were better off then many, but it was a difficult time to be in bed after chemo not being able to eat properly, heat up food easily etc. Still have hair, but almost no eyebrows on either side now. Hair seems to be thinning on top, finding more on my clothes, pillows etc, but Hallie the wig has still not gone out of the house, and only six weeks left to go. I keep reading blogs and researching about post-chemo life, how long it takes to get back energy, focus etc, but not much help. Statistics don't look great, but I try not to focus on mortality. Brca1 is better than no Brca for survival rates with ovarian cancer but Brca2 is even better. Go figure. Just trying to get through next six weeks and get on a plane back to France.

thanks for Words with Friends

Since reading on any scale like a book is just impossible and I love words with friends, I am so grateful to my fellow lawyers who keep playing with me and keeping my mind working while my brain stews in toxic chemicals and I don't fall completely into the brain fog of chemotherapy.

Four Fs, One C with the Big C

Having now survived Hurricane Sandy and 9.5 days with no electricity, doing a carbo/taxol double treatment on my birthday/election day, no proper food with no refrigeration, getting electric back mid-snow storm, can think a little bit for the first time in days. So when you have the big C, CANCER it's hard to contemplate everything. Keeping my daily journal of progress and side effects is critical for me to track things, especially on days I'm not thinking clearly. For me the primary five side effects are four F-s Fatigue which can be extreme, feet hurting from neuropathy, foggy brain which for me just feels like my brain is stewing in horrible chemicals, flushed face which can be warm but not running a temperature. Now for the small C - constipation. very difficult to manage, thanks to collase and eating veggies/salads, raisin bran, drinking lots of water seems to help in all of it, but last week was very difficult when I couldn't eat properly. was very happy today to make my favorite squash and apple soup to get me through this week and help get my iron levels back up with spinach salad, hummus, and other foods high in iron for a person who doesn't eat red meat for many years and is taking taxol which attacks red blood cells. Going to the health food store tomorrow to also buy black strap molasses which can also help with iron levels.

Grandma Lee genes and dishes

having inherited the Braca1 genetic mutation from my paternal grandmother, Lee, I also inherited a set of dishes and crystal. The dishes are incomplete as she broke a few here and there over the years. But after searching for 12 years, I have finally located a set and D. is buying them for me for my birthday - November 6, election day, just another day I will be sitting all day in the chemo chair so I can stay alive. But the numerology of the 12 years, in year 2012, and Lee's birthday is the 12th, is interesting. Who knows what it all means.

Definitely on my sixth life

If a cat can have nine, I certainly hope that is at least what I have in my future. In looking at my past, having now survived cancer, survived a significant car accident, a domestic violence incident in which I almost died, the Northridge earthquake in LA in 1994, a crowd incident at the LA Olympics in 1994, I think I can qualify for some peace and quiet for a few years.