Still living by the numbers

numbers - was always not very good at math thanks to a form of dyslexia which caused me to reverse numbers and wasn't diagnosed until I was 30. Once I realized the problem I found ways to work around it and wasn't so afraid of math and numbers anymore but know I can't think numbers when I am tired or distracted, but love numbers to break things down, to really present things in a way that matters. So here are today's numbers: 29 - my CA 125 - at 29 back in normal range again after five treatments, pretty amazing. 24 - how many chemotherapy treatments I have had during the last 18 months 58 - how many times they have stuck me (through the power port) for blood, chemo, ct scans and so on. Thank goodness for the port so I don't look like a junkie with track marks in my arms and collapsed veins. 3 - haircuts since diagnosis. 1 to cut my hair off thinking it would fall out and 2 to shape it while it grows back 0 - times I have colored my hair since this odyssey began 31 - that is the median number of months for overall survival of stage 3c ovarian cancer. at 18 months I am well past half way, but not really believing that I could be dead in 12 or 13 months. that doesn't seem real to me since I look good (as everyone tells me) and I feel reasonably well in spite of exhaustion etc. 20 the number of years I practiced law until diagnosis but that is finished now, over and done. maintaining my licenses but definitely too sick to work.
50 the number of scarves i have made since diagnosis.
3 the number of blankets I have made since diagnosis.
4 the number of needlepoint pillows I have made since diagnosis.
will have to come up with some new numbers soon as these evolve and change.

Hoping to stay alive long enough for miss pac-man to save me?

Seeing this story on CNN a few weeks ago created a mental image for me I can't get rid of - waiting for nano-particles to be created to deliver the anti-cancer treatment directly to the bad cancer cells leaving my healthy cells healthy. Brings me to thinking about a little miss pac-man type cell eating up all the cancer cells, chomping through my body, finding all the cancer cells and leaving me healthy again. I so want to be healthy again, tired of being sick, of all the side effects of medication, limitations on my life. My desire for a steaming hot cup of starbucks de-cafe cappuccino with steamed low-fat milk is overwhelming, something I can dream about, and get jealous about when I see others drinking hot liquids, so hoping the research that is ongoing since 1974 becomes prime-time soon before my body is damaged beyond repair.

Happy depressed

My husband often asks me how I am. Can I be happy and depressed all at the same time? When I was young I definitely knew depressed, as I was depressed and angry, having grown up in a dark angry unhappy household. Took me a long time to find a smile and laughter. Lightness and air to breathe. After my father died I started to write a dark angry hostile novel about it, but found it was taking me back into that dark depressing world. So I hit the delete button and vowed to write only happy things that make people smile. So, sometimes I feel yes I can be, happy to be alive and seeing my son spread his wings and fly, to do what I raised him to do, and be the best him he can be. I am happy to wake up in the morning and be alive. I am happy that I have a wonderful loyal loving husband who is my soul mate. I am depressed that I wake up to cancer, to not working, to the daily grind of being a professional patient, and knowing that I will likely leave my son and husband behind sooner than I planned. So there it is, happy depressed.

Regrets

Regrets, I've had a few. But in the end I did it my way. Keep thinking about that song and knowing that I don't have many regrets. I have lived a good life. Been an above average parent. I am not perfect. I should have cut ties with my family years before I did, but I kept it going until my father died. I suppose I kept thinking it would all work out and if I improved as a person, I could improve the entire situation, but it was one that only spiraled downward and could not be fixed, or at least not by me. So in the end I did it my way.

Professional patienthood

Having now been through 23 chemo treatments, five of doxil/avastin, it is exhausting to manage symptoms and side effects and try not to have them. Although I thought I would done with the next treatment, I've now been informed that the treatment is working so well that we're going to continue indefinitely, until it stops working. So we will continue icing my hands and feet, feeling hostile everytime I see someone drinking hot coffee because I am not unless I want to suffer from mouth sores, and wearing clothes or shoes that I no longer wear because they are not comfortable, too tight, too irritating, and feeling constantly tired. Having a limited half-life and sometimes even less. Days trapped in the house because I don't feel well enough to go out. Finding shopping overwhelming, especially certain big-box type stores. Having to walk out of walmart one night knowing I couldn't walk through the store. Glad to be alive and still waiting for science to catch up to me.

Spread happy - Sisterhood of the traveling scarf

As I contemplate another birthday, feeling lucky to get there, but knowing the next one may not be as good, I continue to knit my way through cancer and chemo, giving ruffle scarves to friends who I ask to wear the scarves and think positive thoughts for everyone and to spread happy and do good works as they go through their day. I want no negativity in my life, only happy positive energy, only good kind people, no evil.

life as empty nester with cancer

Now that empty nester status is official, I can say that there is an emptiness that goes along with it. Although my son has been away for summers in the past, somehow this is definitely different. His room is emptier, knowing that he won't be back in only a few weeks, knowing that he is at a different stage of life, makes this entirely new. Got confused at the supermarket the other day looking at food and knowing I was not buying it for him and having a much lighter load, probably by half. Knowing that our electric and gas bills will be reduced by at least a third. But also knowing that I only have so much time left but not knowing how much. Hoping I will live long enough to see him graduate from college but not knowing if I will. Have had some good news this week, finding out my CA 125 is down to 71 from a high of 420 before I started the current chemo, which I needed to hear after a bad migraine with nausea and vomiting only a few days earlier. So I continue on one day at a time, letting my son fly and enjoy his life, and trying to fill in the time. Food becoming way too important. Maybe I will be baking once a week, keep knitting (made several scarves, two shawls, several needlepoint pillows, blankets) but I have to find things to keep filling in for my time and whatever energy I have.