Fear and loathing??

I do truly dislike cancer. It is a horrible disease and a horrible way to die. Even though the treatments are much better and more effective than even a few years ago, there are just too many unknowns and unknowables. How long will I live? How long until another recurrence? Is there such a thing as remission for my cancer? Where is the crystal ball? Now that I am almost on the other side of treatment - the end - with hair, so many questions and so much fear. Now, I am at the hospital almost every week, I am being monitored heavily so if anything is wrong, someone is on top of it. It will be noticed. Maybe it is a false sense of security, but it is still a good form of monitoring. I have been so fortunate not to need any additional transfusions since the surgery in June, to not have any real complications, just normal tolerable side-effects. I know I am lucky in cancer terms, just maybe not in real life terms. So I face more unknowns and unknowables and try to get through the fear and live whatever life I have.

Must have during chemo

Yesterday was beginning of cycle 6, last carboplatinum treatment - yeah!!! 16 down, two to go, hard to believe this part will be over in two weeks, although the chemo nurse was telling me that this is really treated as a chronic disease now. So many women coming back for more and different treatments. Not fun. So last night I definitely was not feeling well, brain fog, etc. Yesterday in talking to the chemo nurse I was trying to tell her the four Fs one C concept I couldn't remember the last F - naturally that one was brain fog. Had to review my own blog to remember it. When I told her she and I got a good laugh from it. That said, during cancer, especially while on chemo, a must have is a small note pad which I carry in my purse and put by my bed to write down reminders etc. shopping lists and whatever I need because if I don't I definitely cannot remember even a minute later. Brain exhaustion.

Cancer is definitely not sexy.

Even though I still have hair on my head, cancer and treatment for cancer is definitely not sexy. Can't feel sexy while going through this. Almost no eyebrows left. Losing eyelashes. Very little pubic hair. I'm told this is all normal, especially losing all body hair, but it is not attractive and not conducive to feeling my usual sexy dynamic self. Not a turn to myself or D. Hormones - what are those? After surgery and chemo, definitely not having hormones that are normal. Friday night going to sleep at 8:00 p.m. after five days on steroids, and 4-5 hours of sleep per night, I just crash. Exhausted, Saturday night was not much better, making it to 9:00 p.m. but at least today we were able to take a drive to do a little shopping and eat lunch out. 30 more days to finish.

wanting out of my box

Since diagnosis, I feel as though my life has been so limited, stuck in a box that, as D. described it, seems to have spikes in it at every turn and angle. Just want out, almost at the end of treatment - four left, and want to get on a plane and get out of here, go live life and move past this, knowing all the while that I can't and never will. Just, as everyone says to me, a new normal.

post-Hurricane Sandy, snow, with hair - CA 125 at 12

We have now survived Hurricane Sandy, Noreaster Athena, 10 days of no power, heating house off inverter system with truck running it for a few hours a day, throwing out food (always upsetting), no laundry, getting septic system pumped in middle of it all and so on. I know we were better off then many, but it was a difficult time to be in bed after chemo not being able to eat properly, heat up food easily etc. Still have hair, but almost no eyebrows on either side now. Hair seems to be thinning on top, finding more on my clothes, pillows etc, but Hallie the wig has still not gone out of the house, and only six weeks left to go. I keep reading blogs and researching about post-chemo life, how long it takes to get back energy, focus etc, but not much help. Statistics don't look great, but I try not to focus on mortality. Brca1 is better than no Brca for survival rates with ovarian cancer but Brca2 is even better. Go figure. Just trying to get through next six weeks and get on a plane back to France.

thanks for Words with Friends

Since reading on any scale like a book is just impossible and I love words with friends, I am so grateful to my fellow lawyers who keep playing with me and keeping my mind working while my brain stews in toxic chemicals and I don't fall completely into the brain fog of chemotherapy.

Four Fs, One C with the Big C

Having now survived Hurricane Sandy and 9.5 days with no electricity, doing a carbo/taxol double treatment on my birthday/election day, no proper food with no refrigeration, getting electric back mid-snow storm, can think a little bit for the first time in days. So when you have the big C, CANCER it's hard to contemplate everything. Keeping my daily journal of progress and side effects is critical for me to track things, especially on days I'm not thinking clearly. For me the primary five side effects are four F-s Fatigue which can be extreme, feet hurting from neuropathy, foggy brain which for me just feels like my brain is stewing in horrible chemicals, flushed face which can be warm but not running a temperature. Now for the small C - constipation. very difficult to manage, thanks to collase and eating veggies/salads, raisin bran, drinking lots of water seems to help in all of it, but last week was very difficult when I couldn't eat properly. was very happy today to make my favorite squash and apple soup to get me through this week and help get my iron levels back up with spinach salad, hummus, and other foods high in iron for a person who doesn't eat red meat for many years and is taking taxol which attacks red blood cells. Going to the health food store tomorrow to also buy black strap molasses which can also help with iron levels.