Statistical thinking

Considering statistics for ovarian cancer, and a 35% five-year survival rate - does it mean from diagnosis? From end of treatment? Assuming it means from diagnosis, then I'll probably die within the next four years? Even though I went to the correct experienced gyn/oncologist, who was an experienced debulking surgeon, and got the best chemo treatment available. So, here I am in a wait and see mode, but am quite bored with my life, itching to travel and constrained by school schedules and finances. Trying not to do much or plan much, living one day at a time, to find out when the other shoe drops and they tell me it has returned. In AA they tell you make no major changes in the first year. For ovarian cancer, the major changes have already occurred. The problem now is planning for all eventualities, and figuring out how to live knowing I have absolutely no control over what happens, that I am subject to whatever new treatments exist when it returns. Do I get through December? If so, I can go back on the same treatment I already had. If not, I'm sure what they will give me will be much worse and more difficult to tolerate. With metformin, do I have a 70% chance of living five years? Will I live to see my son graduate from college in four years? Maybe. Unlikely to see graduate school completion. So, I try to spend additional time with him, teach him life lessons that I thought we would do much later, financial management too. Wishing I had the crystal ball when someone could tell me I had 2.4 years or 3.7 years until it comes back so I could go live life without worry until then.

The person I used to be

Over the weekend, D. was reviewing photos of the last few years, including numerous photos of me, looking robust and healthy, with my long auburn hair. That used to be me but I don't really recognize her anymore. My life is different, I am different. How I view the world is different, reflected in my salt and pepper hair.

Canadian study about long-term survival

Not sure what it all means, except maybe I can live 3.5 years without a relapse because I am BRCA positive? It still suggests only 35% long-term survival meaning 12 years. It is hard to plan whatever is left of my life without a concept of how long it will be, except to make the most of every day: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/02/130214103616.htm

Getting to the right doctor is critical

Rather than end up critical, a study demonstrates that it is a life or death matter for women to get to an experienced gyn/oncologist for debulking surgery for ovarian cancer. Thank goodness I got just that care, and continued care from experienced professionals. Here is the link to the article. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/12/health/ovarian-cancer-study-finds-widespread-flaws-in-treatment.html?hpw&_r=1&pagewanted=all&

Cancer is bad for my health but good for writing - books published

As I wrote to my cousin today, cancer is bad for my health but has been good for my writing, adding this blog to my work, in addition to J'adore France, my travel blog. Plus, I have now published my first two books on Amazon, which had been sitting for several years, "The Mommy Handbook" a humorous look at parenting and corporate handbooks, as well as poetry I've been writing since college, "Early and Late". with more to come.

Back pain recap

Almost 20 years ago I was injured in a car accident when I lived in LA, ending up with neck and back problems, nerve damage in my left arm and other orthopedic issues. So, when I began to experience back pain and leg pain in May, I discounted it as I am so used to living with chronic pain, assuming it was more of the same. it never occurred to me that it was cancer. Of course once I had surgery and was on pain meds my back and arm no longer hurt, or if it did, my brain was more focused on surgical pain. Then, having the port inserted, going through chemo, on steroids, my back was the least of my problems and I did not focus on it. Perhaps the steroids also lessened the inflammation and irritation so less pain? Now, 70 days with no chemo and about 65 days with no steroids, my back, neck, arm, all are aching again, especially my lower back as I sit or lie down and get stiff, like I used to. Can't decide if it is good or bad, or have the old familiar back, or worried that if cancer returns I will not recognize it again.

Color shock

Shopping at the mall the other day for makeup and looking at clothes and realizing that I am beyond color transition fully into color shock. When I was young, like everyone else, it is a learning process to determine what colors work the best for us. For me, much revolved around my hair, going from lighter brown, to darker brown as a teenager, then to auburn when I started greying in my mid-twenties, and all these years of color. What did I wear? Black, earth tones, browns, some blues, occasionally pinks, but never purples, rarely reds, never yellow or orange. In makeup, kind of boring browns, maybe with a little green eyeshadow mixed in for fun. Last summer having ash blond hair after I cut it short was bizarre but I just dealt with the clothes and makeup I had, changing only my eyebrow pencil. Now, with my hair gone to salt and pepper and reluctant to put more chemicals in my body via haircolor, it is rather different to shop, finding myself trending toward purples and brighter blues, and different makeup trends, more pinks and lavenders. It is totally messing with my mimd, after 40 years of the same colors, chance is a big difficult, requiring more thought and effort. I was nice and comfy in my color cave. Instead, my mind is spinning and confused, in color shock.